Dear Yahoo! userbase:
It has not escaped the attention of new management that, yes, I now possess 30,000 Tumblr followers.
Thirty-thousand of you! That’s pretty massive, eh? Wow!
What’s more, I have also been a loyal Flickr user ever since January 2005 — “Flickr” being an obscure, formerly with-it Yahoo! photo-sharing site where I have over a million page-views. Over there at Yahoo! Flickr, they still count in pages. Millions, but pages.
With these elite credentials, I was quickly recruited for some R&D work on Yahoo!’s fully-consolidated Tumblr-Flickr service, “Tumblickr.” Yes, I’ll be helping to create the new, conceptual, diegetic services that the rest of you will some day enjoy!
What’s more, you people — my mighty legion of thirty thousand followers — are the very first people to hear early warnings from the leaky Tumblickr development R&D lab. You’ll notice that the “heart” and “forward” commands have been disabled for this exclusive news post. Do not attempt to use those grayed-out commands! Violations of the new terms-of-service will be swiftly noticed and permanently recorded, and offenders may well be deprived of their obligatory Yahoo! log-in.
1. Automatic image enhancement. Any group photo featuring a “Tumblicker Pro” (formerly called “Flickr Pro”) will be automatically groomed for elite user benefit. This means red-eye removal, gray hair re-colored, bent shoulders straightened, sagging features sharpened, unseemly wrinkles shooped out of their 1980s-style clothing, etc.
The opposite applies to the dead weight of the 47% Tumbler “taker” underclass, who will be depicted as even youthier, grimier and more downmarket than they already are.
2. The new “Ignore + Throttle” feature. Newbies, trolls, teens, cat-fanciers and other vermin who annoy a “Tumblickr Pro” will still suffer the useful, time-honored Tumblr “ignore” command. However, randomized DDOS lag-moments of one to fifteen seconds duration will also be introduced into the service connections of these offending parties. This is an innovative service of “Unit 63198,” our new Chinese Tumblickr offshore support batallion.
3. Automatic Mobility Filtering. Tumblr users are notorious for posting from “mobiles.” These cheap, careless Android snapshots are easy to distinguish from genuine camerawork, linked through top-end Apple desktop media-production units, owned and deployed by those of us who can still think differently enough to take real photographs.
Our new Tumblickr feature allows us to filter-out these low-net-worth “mobile” vagrants, especially those who lack any mortgage or a retirement plan. These way-too-mobile insta-bums will henceforth be gently guided into a “Tumblickr Favela” where they can pay in Bitcoins and be seen only by their own kind.
Here at Tumblickr R&D Central, we’re soliciting further input about our services from our users — but for God’s sake, not from just anybody. Do not send email. We own the Big Database now. We already know who you are. If you’re likely to do anything useful for us, we’ll know that long before you do.
Forward to 40,000!
Armed with a key, Natasha Myers scratched a rendering of male genitalia onto the hood of the silver Kia. She then went to the customer service desk inside the supermarket and asked for a Post-it note. Security cameras captured her writing something on the paper and then returning to the parking lot.
Myers left the following note on the windshield:
“Hey I keyed your car. You didn’t stop for pedestrians as is law. Since no cop to enforce a ticket, this should cover the cost of your fine. Have a good day. P.S. Don’t be a d—-.”
HOW CAN I CONTRIBUTE TO THIS WOMAN’S DEFENSE FUND?
Oh, endorse, absolutely.
The Colbert Report’s STEPHEN COLBERT, on reports that PBS killed a documentary critical of one of the gazillionaire Koch brothers — a major public broadcasting supporter.
Can we get Big Bird and Elmo to talk the other guys into maybe staging an intervention for PBS’s Koch problem? It’s hurting the very children PBS taught the alphabet to, which is pretty much everyone who ever had a television set.
Funny how Republicans in Congress are always trying to eliminate all funding for public broadcasting because they argue it’s a bastion of liberal bias. Boy, I bet they’re embarrassed right now.
I don’t think embarrassment is in their skillset.
The wait is over. Get your tickets for Man of Steel now: http://bit.ly/MOStickets
It’s a nice (j)gif, but outside of the atmosphere there’s nothing to make the cape ripple.
Jones said that the smoking gun of government involvement would be if a helicopter or aircraft was spotted “in and around the clouds, spraying and doing things.” He continued, “if you saw that, you better bet your bottom dollar they did this, but who knows if they did. You know, that’s the thing, we don’t know.”
Helicopters, in the clouds, doing things.
NASA is funding research into 3D-printed food. Mechanical engineer Anjan Contractor received a $125,000 grant from the agency to build a prototype 3D printer with the aim of automating food creation. It’s hoped the system could provide astronauts food during long-distance space travel, but its creator has the loftier aim of solving the increasing food shortages around the world by cutting down on waste. The software for the printer will be open-source, while the hardware is based on the open-source RepRap Mendel 3D printer.
Now that’s some jet car I can get behind.