Titivil

brucesterling: Dear Yahoo! userbase: It has not escaped the...

Fri, 24 May 2013 08:26:27 -0400

Dear Yahoo! userbase:

   It has not escaped the attention of new management that, yes, I now possess 30,000 Tumblr followers.

   Thirty-thousand of you! That’s pretty massive, eh? Wow!

What’s more, I have also been a loyal Flickr user ever since January 2005 — “Flickr” being an obscure, formerly with-it Yahoo! photo-sharing site where I have over a million page-views. Over there at Yahoo! Flickr, they still count in pages. Millions, but pages.

   With these elite credentials, I was quickly recruited for some R&D work on Yahoo!’s fully-consolidated Tumblr-Flickr service, “Tumblickr.” Yes, I’ll be helping to create the new, conceptual, diegetic services that the rest of you will some day enjoy!

What’s more, you people — my mighty legion of thirty thousand followers — are the very first people to hear early warnings from the leaky Tumblickr development R&D lab. You’ll notice that the “heart” and “forward” commands have been disabled for this exclusive news post. Do not attempt to use those grayed-out commands! Violations of the new terms-of-service will be swiftly noticed and permanently recorded, and offenders may well be deprived of their obligatory Yahoo! log-in.

   1. Automatic image enhancement. Any group photo featuring a “Tumblicker Pro” (formerly called “Flickr Pro”) will be automatically groomed for elite user benefit. This means red-eye removal, gray hair re-colored, bent shoulders straightened, sagging features sharpened, unseemly wrinkles shooped out of their 1980s-style clothing, etc.

   The opposite applies to the dead weight of the 47% Tumbler “taker” underclass, who will be depicted as even youthier, grimier and more downmarket than they already are.

2. The new “Ignore + Throttle” feature. Newbies, trolls, teens, cat-fanciers and other vermin who annoy a “Tumblickr Pro” will still suffer the useful, time-honored Tumblr “ignore” command. However, randomized DDOS lag-moments of one to fifteen seconds duration will also be introduced into the service connections of these offending parties. This is an innovative service of “Unit 63198,” our new Chinese Tumblickr offshore support batallion.

3. Automatic Mobility Filtering. Tumblr users are notorious for posting from “mobiles.” These cheap, careless Android snapshots are easy to distinguish from genuine camerawork, linked through top-end Apple desktop media-production units, owned and deployed by those of us who can still think differently enough to take real photographs.

   Our new Tumblickr feature allows us to filter-out these low-net-worth “mobile” vagrants, especially those who lack any mortgage or a retirement plan. These way-too-mobile insta-bums will henceforth be gently guided into a “Tumblickr Favela” where they can pay in Bitcoins and be seen only by their own kind.

Here at Tumblickr R&D Central, we’re soliciting further input about our services from our users — but for God’s sake, not from just anybody. Do not send email. We own the Big Database now. We already know who you are. If you’re likely to do anything useful for us, we’ll know that long before you do.

Forward to 40,000!

Florida woman scratches crude image onto stranger’s car

Thu, 23 May 2013 21:56:13 -0400

Florida woman scratches crude image onto stranger’s car :

derasso:

Armed with a key, Natasha Myers scratched a rendering of male genitalia onto the hood of the silver Kia. She then went to the customer service desk inside the supermarket and asked for a Post-it note. Security cameras captured her writing something on the paper and then returning to the parking lot.

Myers left the following note on the windshield:

“Hey I keyed your car. You didn’t stop for pedestrians as is law. Since no cop to enforce a ticket, this should cover the cost of your fine. Have a good day. P.S. Don’t be a d—-.”

HOW CAN I CONTRIBUTE TO THIS WOMAN’S DEFENSE FUND?

Oh, endorse, absolutely.

"PBS has become more and more dependent on viewers nothing like you."

Thu, 23 May 2013 14:14:43 -0400

“PBS has become more and more dependent on viewers nothing like you.”

- The Colbert Report’s STEPHEN COLBERT, on reports that PBS killed a documentary critical of one of the gazillionaire Koch brothers — a major public broadcasting supporter.

Ugh.

(via inothernews)

Can we get Big Bird and Elmo to talk the other guys into maybe staging an intervention for PBS’s Koch problem? It’s hurting the very children PBS taught the alphabet to, which is pretty much everyone who ever had a television set.

(via mohandasgandhi)

Funny how Republicans in Congress are always trying to eliminate all funding for public broadcasting because they argue it’s a bastion of liberal bias. Boy, I bet they’re embarrassed right now.

(via erikonymous)

I don’t think embarrassment is in their skillset.

wet-chrome: PROSTHETIC ARM by Kaylene Kau Tentacle arm? Yes,...

Thu, 23 May 2013 09:33:00 -0400

wet-chrome:

PROSTHETIC ARM by Kaylene Kau

Tentacle arm? Yes, please.

Enhanciles!

manofsteel: The wait is over. Get your tickets for Man of Steel...

Wed, 22 May 2013 21:54:07 -0400

manofsteel:

The wait is over. Get your tickets for Man of Steel now: http://bit.ly/MOStickets

It’s a nice (j)gif, but outside of the atmosphere there’s nothing to make the cape ripple.

No.

Wed, 22 May 2013 12:55:50 -0400

No.

Alex Jones is a super-genius. Jones said that the smoking gun of government involvement would be if...

Wed, 22 May 2013 10:25:22 -0400

Alex Jones is a super-genius.

Jones said that the smoking gun of government involvement would be if a helicopter or aircraft was spotted “in and around the clouds, spraying and doing things.” He continued, “if you saw that, you better bet your bottom dollar they did this, but who knows if they did. You know, that’s the thing, we don’t know.”

Helicopters, in the clouds, doing things.

Photo

Wed, 22 May 2013 07:51:41 -0400

thisistheverge: NASA is funding a 3D food printer, and it’ll...

Tue, 21 May 2013 09:45:09 -0400

thisistheverge:

NASA is funding a 3D food printer, and it’ll start with pizza

NASA is funding research into 3D-printed food. Mechanical engineer Anjan Contractor received a $125,000 grant from the agency to build a prototype 3D printer with the aim of automating food creation. It’s hoped the system could provide astronauts food during long-distance space travel, but its creator has the loftier aim of solving the increasing food shortages around the world by cutting down on waste. The software for the printer will be open-source, while the hardware is based on the open-source RepRap Mendel 3D printer.

Now that’s some jet car I can get behind.

These are tremendous.

Mon, 20 May 2013 15:00:10 -0400

These are tremendous.

awkward-elevator: A sneak peek at JJ Abrams’ Star Wars

Mon, 20 May 2013 12:53:06 -0400

awkward-elevator:

A sneak peek at JJ Abrams’ Star Wars

Good morning, fellow digital tasteleaders. So when do we migrate to a cooler, edgier platform?

Mon, 20 May 2013 08:45:43 -0400

Good morning, fellow digital tasteleaders.

So when do we migrate to a cooler, edgier platform?

My dash is filled with Brents. It’s weird.

Sat, 18 May 2013 16:56:09 -0400

My dash is filled with Brents. It’s weird.

gailsimone: crackpotcomics: I drew something silly for Gail...

Sat, 18 May 2013 14:41:36 -0400

gailsimone:

crackpotcomics:

I drew something silly for Gail Simone on Twitter, because that’s the kind of thing I do. (Also I finally changed the pressure sensitivity on my tablet so my dumb quick Photoshop doodles can have a touch of class.)

I love talented, funny readers. Sigh!

Should you want a (non-Googa) burger tomorrow afternoon, I’m grilling them in the backyard of...

Fri, 17 May 2013 12:17:13 -0400

Should you want a (non-Googa) burger tomorrow afternoon, I’m grilling them in the backyard of Sycamore in Ditmas Park.

Voices of the down-trodden. “In America, the government is supposed to protect freedom, not use its...

Fri, 17 May 2013 09:43:33 -0400

Voices of the down-trodden.

“In America, the government is supposed to protect freedom, not use its intolerance for certain viewpoints to intimidate citizens into acting contrary to their faith convictions,” said Alliance Senior Legal Counsel Dale Schowengerdt. “Family business owners are constitutionally guaranteed the freedom to live and work according to their beliefs. It is this very freedom that gives America its cherished diversity and protects citizens from state-mandated conformity.”

Scratch that. Actually, voices of florists counter-suing the State of Washington to protect the right of the florist to not sell flowers to same-sex couples.

Photo

Fri, 17 May 2013 09:29:40 -0400

So after reading this look into the relationship between BuzzFeed and Charles Koch, it’s kind...

Thu, 16 May 2013 15:46:25 -0400

So after reading this look into the relationship between BuzzFeed and Charles Koch, it’s kind of hard to swallow the, “Hello, Buzzfeed? Charles Who? Oh, whatever, as long as you got the cash!” hypothesis. More like, “How could it be a conflict if I don’t feel conflicted?”

"Mr. Obama also expresses exasperation. In private, he has talked longingly of “going Bulworth,” a..."

Thu, 16 May 2013 09:54:02 -0400

“Mr. Obama also expresses exasperation. In private, he has talked longingly of “going Bulworth,” a reference to a little-remembered 1998 Warren Beatty movie about a senator who risked it all to say what he really thought.”

- NYTimes.com.

“going Bulworth”

(via nedhepburn)

GO BULWORTH ALREADY.

Not Hot Enough for Breitbart

Wed, 15 May 2013 15:41:22 -0400

Not Hot Enough for Breitbart:

kohenari:

Boy genius Ben Shapiro takes to Breitbart.com to complain that Maxim’s list of hot women includes two women that he doesn’t think are very hot. One of them — Hoda Kotb — is old, for crying out loud! The only reason women like Kotb would find herself on the list is that she’s a liberal and, of course, Maxim is well-known for only celebrating the hotness of liberals; it’s one of the pillars of the liberal conspiracy to take over America.

But Shapiro will have none of it. Making lists of hot women is something he obviously takes very seriously and he will not bow to the ghastly liberal agenda. After all, he’s the author of Bullies: How the Left’s Culture of Fear and Intimidation Silences Americans so you can be sure he’s going to speak his mind about which women are hot and which women aren’t. Once Kotb and Kamala Harris hear that the boy genius thinks they’re not hot enough for Maxim’s list, you can be sure they’ll feel pretty badly about themselves. Luckily, and thanks to Maxim, millions of other men will continue to objectify them so I’m sure they’ll be just fine.

If you are bold enough to click over to Breitbart for this gen of an “article,” do yourself a favor and don’t look at the comments; they’re everything you expect and worse.

(Via LGM Blog.)

The best that Shapiro can aspire to be is “dick.”